Been crying on and off all day.
My dog is leaving a lot sooner than I thought.
The dr called Brad today and said the biopsy from his liver came back.
More cancer.
Said he has 6 months to 1 year to live as long as we give him treatment shots every 2 to 3 weeks.
It willl slow the cancer down, and shrink it a little.
We just brought Goli back in the vet this morning to check his mouth.
He yelps in pain when having to chew anything, hasn't given us kisses like he usually does either.
He didnt eat the first couple of days after the first surgery.
Then Brad added boiled hot water to his food to soften it up and he scarfed it down.
But even then a couple times he would yelp in pain while eating and run away.
Then act scared of his food bowl, as if it were evil and out to get him.
I tried putting his food on a paper plate.
He didn't like that either.
So we have been hand feeding him his breakfast and dinner, as well as his 3 pills every morning and night.
We just scooped the soggy slimy food in our hands and he will eat and lick it up.
Sometimes out of no where he yelps in pain. I dont know why.
Maybe he forgot about his surgery and moved too fast?
So we took him to the vet this morning, to check his mouth in case maybe he had a cut or something wrong inside his mouth.
We tried to look, but we couldnt even slightly open his mouth without him screaming in pain and acting scared. So we stopped.

Brad called me this afternoon,
it rang once,
and he hung up before I answered.

I called him back.
He was whispering in the phone.
I couldnt understand what he was saying.
Something about liver and cancer.
Still wasnt sure.
Then he was able to speak up and I realized..
he was crying thats why he couldnt talk!

OMG!! ITS GOLI HE IS TALKING ABOUT!!

This came as such a shock.
I didnt see this coming at all.
He was supposed to be like me.
Have cancer..get it cut out...heal...be better.
The dr said the pain in his mouth might be more cancerous lymph nodes bothering him, he wasn't sure.
He recommended a few options to help Goli.
One was going in and cutting out more every couple of months.
Dont want to do that to him. He is still healing, and upset for this.
The other one was shots, chemo I think, every 2 - 3 weeks.
To slow it down and shrink it.
They are keeping him until Thursday. To monitor him since they did the first shot today. They said they first time is the hardest on him, since it has a lot to flush out, and also monitor his reactions to it.
So he is hooked up to an IV again...just after we finally got his paw shrunk down from it.

I was hoping to go home tonight and hug and kiss on the bed all of us together. and cry. But not until Thursday.
The dr said the shots will make him feel a lot better right away.
If Goli is still in pain and not doing well, then we will decide to put him down.
Brad was crying so hard he couldnt call the dr back earlier to tell them to go ahead with the shots, he had to email someone that sat 10 feet away from him to do it for him.
I have sat quiet at my desk crying all day.
After Brad's first call, I grabbed a bunch of tissues and went and hid in the server room in the corner behind a bunch of racks to cry. Its really noisy in there, so if anyone was in there they wouldnt hear me.

I didn't tell Navin. I want to keep it to myself, and not really loose it...publicly.
I didn't want to talk about it.
My mom called a couple of times.
I didnt answer.
I didnt want to talk about it at work and just cry more.
Thank god for caller ID at work!
When I went to the bathroom, I just sat on the toilet and cried.

I at least have some more time with my dog. But not enough.
I am gonna miss him so much.
Him following me around the house.
I can feel his whiskers on the back of my legs as I move around.
He is our sleeping buddy.
Brad wakes up every morning opens the sheets and Goli jumps in and Brad spoons him, and they go back to sleep that way.
He greets us with his squeaky toys when we come home happy to see us.
His sweet kisses.
Always wanting to drink my bath water.
He goes into the shower when you are done, not even giving you time to step out cause he likes to lick the water left over.
He howls when the phone rings. A deep soulful howl, like Johnny Cash.
His ears pressed back when he is happy.
His occasional morning pukes.

Not having him in my house is gonna kill me.

I wanna buy him soft wet dog food, and more snacks, I wanna buy him his own blanket to curl up with. I just wanna make him happy. He has given me and Brad so much happiness.
Im mad my dog is gonna die. I dont know even who Im mad at. But I am.
I need more tissues.
I love him so much...he is such a great dog.